


i'll never ever leave you for who you are

by kangchanhee



Series: 24 days of christmas 2k18 [11]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anxiety, Best Friends, Comfort, Coming Out, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Huang Ren Jun-centric, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, it's an open ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-19 17:19:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17005866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kangchanhee/pseuds/kangchanhee
Summary: "I... I'm gay," Renjun said. The breath he had inhaled right before making the statement still hadn't come out and it wasn't about to. Not until he would hear an answer from Xuxi. A reaction. A something. It was funny how just two - or three if we get into technicalities - words could be a total endgame to a relationship - friendship - built for years. Suddenly, the younger regretted saying it. There hadn't been a reaction yet but the mere silence seemed deafening and the boy couldn't help but already create worst-case scenarios in his head.





	i'll never ever leave you for who you are

Coming out was easily the scariest thing that a person had to experience. Renjun knew with the logical part of his brain that his friends were good people and that they would accept him. All of them would. Yet when it came to coming out the first time, Renjun felt like his heart was about to make its way up his oesophagus and end up beating there on the floor, making the boy feel even sicker than he already did. Curse Renjun's vivid imagination for actually making him picture the sight. He didn't have to do that for a long time, though, because soon his best friend entered the room, looking as cheerful as always. It made Renjun's heart do somersaults but he guessed it was just because he was about to make the confession of the lifetime. It definitely couldn't be anything else.

"Hey, Junnie!" Xuxi said, smiling widely. It was adorable, how he always smiled. All their meetings without a fail, Xuxi was smiling. Even if their conversations got to a low point, Xuxi made sure to make Renjun feel better by being a cheerful dumbass, making the younger boy laugh. "What did you want to talk about?" he asked and sat down next to Renjun on the bed, seemingly as relaxed as always. Renjun, on the other hand, felt tenser than he had ever been.

"I," Renjun cleared his throat, feeling that it was about to start suffocating the boy, "I had something... to confess?" it came out more like a question. The boy had absolutely no idea how to tell Xuxi that he was gay. It seemed so easy at first. Just say 'I'm gay' and that's all. What else could there be? Not that hard. But when it came to actually saying it out loud to Xuxi, it seemed like the biggest challenge he had ever had. The words seemed so crude in Chinese. Renjun had heard people talking about being gay in English and the word seemed so soft, not at all harsh. But in Chinese... it seemed like something _wrong_.

"Oh?" Xuxi sounded surprised but interested. "What is it? You know you can tell me everything," the older tried to encourage Renjun. The boy didn't want to lie to Xuxi, it seemed too selfish to not talk about it. The younger loved Xuxi, they were best friends, and that's why he had to be honest with him. It felt unfair not telling him. What if Xuxi didn't want to be friends with Renjun afterwards? It would be a dick move to make Xuxi stay by keeping things from him.

"I... I'm gay," Renjun said. The breath he had inhaled right before making the statement still hadn't come out and it wasn't about to. Not until he would hear an answer from Xuxi. A reaction. A something. It was funny how just two - or three if we get into technicalities - words could be a total endgame to a relationship - friendship - built for years. Suddenly, the younger regretted saying it. There hadn't been a reaction yet but the mere silence seemed deafening and the boy couldn't help but already create worst-case scenarios in his head.

"Thank you for telling me, Junnie," Xuxi said, finally. The younger heard fabric rustling, probably the blanket they were sitting on, but Renjun didn't dare to look. The boy was simply too scared to see the actual reaction. Hearing a thank you was something else. "It must've taken a lot of courage," he continued. "I'm glad you trusted me enough," it sounded so sincere. Renjun almost let the air out. But he couldn't because there still wasn't an actual definitive answer to what he had said.

"A-Are _we_ okay? Are we still friends? Do you not mind?" Renjun's voice trembled in fear. He so didn't want to lose his best friend. The younger couldn't bear the thought of it. Renjun tried to keep his breathing slow and steady but the betraying tears that were making their way to Renjun's eyes had a different plan. No, the boy didn't cry, not yet at least. He just kept staring down at the ground, not even daring to move or say anything more. It felt like he had said way too much already.

"Of course, I don't mind, Junnie," Xuxi seemed surprised. "I love you no matter what," he said. "Come here... Can I hug you?" Xuxi asked. He always asked before doing anything. Whether it was hugging Renjun or something else. That meant the world to Renjun.

And Xuxi's acceptance meant even more than just the world to him. Renjun immediately threw his hands around the older boy's neck and put his head on his shoulder. He was so relieved. All his worries and problems now seemed so absolutely dumb. Renjun didn't even feel that he had started crying until he was sobbing and Xuxi was drawing circles on the younger boy's back to calm him down. Xuxi didn't try to stop Renjun from crying and the boy was so thankful for it. There had been so much pent up inside him, all the worries about losing Xuxi, that he had to let it all out and the older seemed to understand. Xuxi appeared to be whispering something in the younger's ear but the boy couldn't understand what it was in between all of the fairly loud sobs but for some reason, Renjun understood that it wasn't even meant to be understood. The sheer thought of Xuxi trying to calm the younger was way more than enough.

"Are you feeling better now?" Xuxi asked quietly when Renjun seemed to be finally calming down. "Do you want me to get you something? Water, tissues, chocolate, a hoodie? Anything at all?" the older softly and as quietly as he could proposed. Renjun was still hiccupping from the crying session that might have lasted anywhere from fifteen to fifty minutes, the boy couldn't even tell but what mattered was that Xuxi had stayed with him through all of it.

"I'm okay now," Renjun whispered and dried his eyes on the sleeve of his shirt. "Thank you, Xuxi. I love you," Renjun said slightly louder but still quietly. "It's alright, I don't need anything. Just... stay?" the younger shyly asked. It was a big request, or so it seemed to Renjun, but it was the only thing the boy needed right now - his friend to stay and let it be totally clear that they were okay and Xuxi wasn't in any way... _creeped out_ by the sudden news. Sure, the older wasn't a bigot but Renjun could never be too sure.

"Of course," Xuxi cooed. "Do you want to rest and cuddle a bit? You must be tired from the crying," he asked caringly and lightly brushed the boy's back. Renjun only nodded in response, seemingly too tired at this point to form actual words. Xuxi understood and moved the younger himself. In a minute, both of the boys were lying face to face, the older's hand sprawled over Renjun's, in comparison, tiny body, still drawing circles on the Renjun's back in a calming manner. The younger felt way better already. Just the sheer presence of Xuxi radiated peace. "Please don't ever be afraid to tell me things, Junnie. I promise I'll never ever leave you because of who you are," the older moved his hand to cup Renjun's cheek and lightly brushed his thumb over it.

"Okay," Renjun's voice cracked slightly. The boy couldn't believe he had actually doubted the older even for a second. He gazed in Xuxi's eyes, seeing only peace in them. There wasn't any hint of judgement and finally, Renjun was happy. The boy slightly smiled and put his hand over the older's, feeling how warm it was, in contrast with Renjun's cold one.

And so they lay there for a little bit, just looking at each other. At this point in their friendship, they didn't even need words to communicate. Xuxi brushed his thumb over the younger's cheek once in a while. Renjun continued softly gazing in Xuxi's eyes, probably blinking way less than he needed to. At some point, Xuxi averted his gaze somewhere else. The younger boy gasped inaudibly, noticing where exactly the other boy was looking. "Can I?" Xuxi asked, whispering. The younger's heart did a somersault for at least the thirteenth time that day.

Renjun leaned in.

**Author's Note:**

> someone in the comments of the last oneshot mentioned they liked the coming out fics, so i had to write a full one about it


End file.
